Friday, 19 December 2014

The countdown to Christmas day without Tor

Ive been thinking through this post since I agreed for Tor spend Christmas day with his Dad. I have been wanting to write it for a while but also wanted to make sure it did not come over as a beg for sympathy. Thats definitely what I do not want.
I want this post to maybe, get other separated families to think about how they spend christmas with their children and give people the courage to think about it in the future.

Myself and Tors dad have been seperated for over four years now. The 1st christmas we were seperated we shared Christmas Day. I had the job of having him wake up christmas morning and in the afternoon I dropped him with his Dad. Every christmas since then I have had him for the whole day.

Now Tors Dad has had his ups and downs but this last half of a year he's just going up, up up. I can't express how much joy he has brought to my little boy due to the time and energy he has put into him. Its been amazing to see it happen and I am so happy for them both.

So, a month or so ago his dad asked if he could have him for Christmas Day. I was not surprised but I have to admit it did take away my breath. I was honest and said I would need to think about it.

It was a very tough decision to make, but only down to selfish reasons. I work very hard every day but it means that the time I get with Tor is very precious. We have a couple of hours every evening and then every other weekend together. I think it would be different if I did not work full time as I would have more time with him.

Selfishly, I wanted Tor to myself. To want to wake up to the wonder, joy and magic that only christmas day morning could bring. I wanted to see his face when he realised that Father Christmas had been. I wanted to see him rip open the wrapping paper and eat chocolate for breakfast.

But watching these moments are for me, not for Tor.

Tor, wherever he would be on Christmas Day, would still wake up with the wonder, joy and magic. He would still smile widely when he realised Father Christmas had been. He would definitely be ripping open wrapping paper and eating chocolate for breakfast.

It all boiled down to the phrase that was going round in my mind.

.......What gives me more right to spend Christmas Day with him, over his Dad?.......

To me, there is only one answer. I have no more right over his father. We both brought him into this world. We both support and nurture him. We both love him with all of our hearts.

So I said yes.

Over the last few weeks, its started to sink in. I still am not sure how I will feel waking up to a quiet house. I do not know what emotions I will have when I am eating Christmas Dinner with my Mum.

I do know, I will have a very nice day, as my family will make sure of that. I will ensure that I wake up feeling positive and surround myself with people that I love.

I know for certain that Tor and his Dad will have the most amazing time and that is the most important thing for me. I feel happy to be giving his Dad the joy and wonder of Christmas morning that he has not had over the last few years.

So to everyone who may ever be in this situation, please have the courage to just think about saying yes. It will be difficult, it may be very sad for a little while.

Christmas is about sharing and spreading love and joy.

I hope, in my own way, I have done this for a good man and a beautiful boy.

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