Six Years

Only one and a half weeks until Tor's sixth birthday.

I am writing this post, not to reminisce, not to tell you all how wonderful the last six years have been but to maybe work out how I am actually feeling right now.

If you know me then you would understand that for all his birthdays so far I have been well prepared. I have in my head exactly how we are going to celebrate, where and who is coming. I will have organised how he will see all his family near and far and made sure that he gets extra time with his father. You would also know that I will have a fixed idea of his gifts and how I would like to make the day special.

So why, this year, have I stuttered?

Ok, yes I've booked a table for lunch at the weekend, and yes organised for a friend for tea on his actual birthday but this is as far as I have got.

I have no idea when he will see his father, I have no idea when he will see his fathers family. I have no idea what gifts to organise and I have no idea of how to make his day special.

Why, has this happened?

Although I work full time and I do very much enjoy the odd day or night away from my boy, I always put him first. He is the first thought I have in the morning and the last thought I have before I sleep.

In someways I feel like I'm letting him down by not knowing and not having ideas for his special day. Well, its a good job they are my feelings and not his.

Since starting back at school we have had a rollercoaster ride of emotions and although the good days and experiences have been amazing for us both, the bad times and strange behaviours have really knocked me for six.

I think this is why I have been hesitant. So many unanswered questions and this has had an effect on planning, not just his birthday but our near future.

I am very excited about him turning six. I am very proud of him turning six.

Something is holding me back.

I am holding me back and I need to work through that.

Well to end this post I give you his new, very smiley school picture. It makes me happy looking at it so I hope it will put a smile on your face too.