A week at a time - Space Camp - Week 1 2016

I recently wrote a post on how I want to build on being a better parent. Following from this I am challenging myself to take 2016 a week at a time. A themed week at a time!

Why not? As a family we made the decision to stop working full time so I could provide support guidance and fantastic fun to my boy. So with a little planning ahead, I am going to ensure the time I have  Tor is full of wonder and experience.

Week #1 - Space Camp

Tor was unaware when he went to school on the Monday morning what was planned. He did not know until lunch time when he opened his lunch box to find a space themed lunch including a note. The note told him about Space Camp and also gave him a fact about space.

After school we started our adventure by going to the library to find pace related fiction and non-fiction books. We then came home for wellies, hats and gloves and a fantastic sky tracer that he had received as a gift for his birthday.

We  went to a nearby field in the darkness and flew the sky tracer. The air was filled with "awesome" and "oh yeah" and "did you see how high that went?" We talked about how it flew up and spiralled down. Tor tried to estimate where he should stand to get it to land in a certain space.

We stayed outside until our noses were cold and our wellies felt like ice around our toes.

In our new regime Tor had 45 minutes of screen time whilst I got dinner ready and then he set the table. As a family we have decided on no television through dinner and Tor has to wait until everyone has finished until he can get himself a treat or pudding. He is adapting very well to this and we have already seen a great improvement in his table manners.

Tuesday included another space themed lunch box with a space joke note. After school (with some green and blue sparkly play dough I had made) we set to make a planet with the play dough and some of hi stone collection. Once built he played with his star wars pods and mini world aliens on the planet. You are never too old for play dough!

We also made some 'meteorite' cakes. Which were indeed normal rock cakes, but to Tor these were extra special. I have to admit they were very yummy and Mr A is hoping that we make some more very soon .


Wednesday saw an alien party with some of his favourite creatures. We played space tiddly winks and Star Wars Angry Bird Jenga, both fantastic Christmas gifts. Tor read one of his space library books to his favourite teddy - Pikachu and then asked for a disco for his toys. So the disco light came out and we boomed out some music to dance to.

Thursday found us at a soft play centre which he loved and gave me some much need exercise followed by making some extremely yummy "planet pops" which we are still eating as treats.

Fridays lunch is Tor's and Mr A's favourite as they get mini pizzas and chicken nuggets. Fridays after school activity was my favourite as I introduced Tor to stop and go animation.
Tor decided on a Star Wars film again using his pods and some of his stone collection.
Tor was so excited to show Mr A when he came home from work, and we are both very pleased to share with you the video......

 

Saturday, Tor was with his Daddy  although he did manage to eat two of the planet pops we managed to make earlier in the week! Sunday, Tor spent a long time playing with his lego and having a lazy pajama day. So I finished the week off with a lego man lunch.

 

 

We have had a fantastic week and Tor spent a lot of Sunday evening asking what the next week would have in store for him. No clues were given - I've not planned that far ahead!

 

I have been posting pictures of the different activities we have been doing on Instagram and Twitter so if you fancy following our weekly progress then feel free to take a look. Please use the buttons at the top right of my blog and they will take you straight there!

Building on being a better parent

Christmas was an amazing and beautiful time for myself and my little family. It was the first time that I have been able to spend the holiday season with my son. It showed me that the big decision that myself and Mr A was so right and it makes the hard times so worth it.
Spending that much quality time with your child, constant quality time is very new to myself and Mr A. Tor is either at school for part of the day or visiting his Dad for some of the weekend so the length of time we spend together as a family added together is not actually that much. Therefore two solid weeks was beautiful but also a eye opener.

As with all things, I look into them too deeply, I care far too much and want to set things right if needed. There were a few things I had noticed about my relationship with Tor that I felt needed working on or tweaking so to speak.

The biggest eye opener were our table manners as a family. Tor has never been a sit still on the spot for longer than five minutes kind of child which matches his bouncing personality but I noticed how through being a little lazy on my part I had not provided him with the right guidance so that table times were a happy occasions, especially at other peoples houses or a cafe or restaurants.

Our normal dinner time was at the table, netflix on the television. When Tor had finished he always asked to leave the table politely and then went to eat pudding or a treat on his bean bag watching the television even if we were still finishing or dinner.

Not too bad really in a busy household and I do not think it would be a issue if Tor's table manners in different places were good but they are not. Therefore we have implemented some changes in the Torsmum household.

Something that we had always noticed with Tor and something I have looked at time and again throughout the years, was the effect that any 'screen time' has on Tor. He is a very active and enthusiastic child but after just half an hour of watching television or playing on a tablet, pc or games console his activity increased to a level that I find difficult to handle. I'm meaning, jumping off the furniture, talking non-stop, whinging, shouting, being overly emotional kind of active.

Some of the ideas that I have had in the past have worked and have showed me that there definitely is a correlation in screen time and behaviour. The issue I have had is that due to our busy lives and due to laziness on my part these ideas have faded out and the problem therefore still stands. Therefore we have implemented some changes in the Torsmum household.

The last part of our relationship that I focused on is what we actually do together. Not really a lot. We are together, we have time playing games and reading, but to me this wasn't enough. I personally wanted to make a change to how I parent, how I play, to encourage Tors amazing imagination. To ensure that we have the best time when we are together.

I am taking 2016 by storm. We are going to make 2016 the best time ever. We are going to grow as a little family and myself and Mr A are going to guide and encourage Tor as well as we can on his amazing journey through life.

We are near the finish of Week one of January. I had some surprises in store for Tor, which have gone very well. So keep a check on the blog for new posts on our new weekly regimes.

Happy New Year!

How we teach our children to be with elderly people

Inspired by the recent release of the John Lewis Christmas advert "The man on the moon" I started to think about my sons relationship with elderly people that we know and those that are part of my family.

Part of bringing up a child is teaching them to adapt to different scenarios and I believe that this is an important development that they need help with.

I remember being a young child sitting around the dinner table with my large family. My Great Grandad was always there. I loved him and cared that he was well and happy but, I struggled to know how to interact with him. Often the only interaction was if I needed to help with something or if he had started to speak to me. I found myself nervous of saying the wrong thing, upsetting or even hurting him. He was an amazing man and I loved being in his company but there was something that did make me hesitant.

With my Grandparents, I have grown as they have grown and therefore it has been a natural progression of learning to cope with illness, changes in living and what is able to be done as they grow older. I feel very comfortable helping my Grandma, being with her. I thoroughly enjoy her company and we often have moments of hilarity.

Just because I have this type of relationship with my Grandma, It does not mean that my son does.
When you are a small child I believe elderly people can be a little intimidating. Not through any aggression or malice but because they can often be loud due to hearing problems. They can often step across the boundaries of personal space without meaning to. Due to this, I believe that we need to teach and help our children to understand this and give them the tools to deal with it and build up their own relationships.

I have been quite hard on my son at times when he has not wanted to give his Great Grandma a hug, or does not answer her questions clearly or straight away. I have seen this as being disrespectful to a person that cares and loves him. Maybe I need to re-think this?

Tor has an amazing relationship with his Great Grandma. He will sit and read with her. They play funny jokes. They discuss words and meanings.
When Tor returned from his holiday in Namibia we visited Great Grandma and he patiently showed her every photograph and spoke about them. It was at this moment that I realised that he did understand, he had adapted himself to her needs and because he was able to do this he shared a very intimate and special time with her.

So, I have learnt that I need to guide Tor with his relationships with older people. I need to be aware of things that might intimidate him but still ensuring that he maintains a level of respect and care.

I suppose in lots of ways this should be the way for all relationships in life.

So, whatever you think of the new Christmas advert, it does give you reason to think even if it is not in the way the advert was intended for.

I have linked this blog post with the following blog hops:

We became three

For five years it has been Mummy and Tor.
On May 22nd it officially became Mummy, Mr A and Tor.
It was a big decision for all three of us. It is a decision that we were all slightly scared about but so very excited about. I am still excited about it.
I have my best friend with me from the moment I open my eyes. It is still like a dream.

Tor was very excited when we decided to broach the subject with him. We wanted to include him every step of the way. I knew how much he enjoyed the company of Mr A and cared about him; but having a friend round for dinner or going out on a day trip with is not the same to having him in the same house, being involved in our little family. Ensuring Tor knew what was going on and having a say in the changes was important to me. It should be a group discussion, everyone's view and emotions should be considered no matter their age.
Although I knew in my heart his response would be positive it still made me nervous about what he would actually think.
I did not need to be nervous. I think I almost cried with happiness. Tor was so excited he wanted it to happen there and then at 8pm on a Tuesday. Umm, it took a little bit longer than that.

Mr A has been in our lives for a few years. We have grown together slowly as a family which has been perfect as it feels so right being under one roof now. We all understand each others needs. It's a big step for all of us but has not felt that way.

We seem to have a Tardis of a house. How we have managed to fit everything in I still don't really know. How did I ever manage without those bags you vacuum the air out of before this?

Sunday is my favourite day of the week when we are all together. A Sunday family breakfast means more to me than anything. It's something we have not done before. I am sure Tor and Mr A think I am rather mad setting the table out with a huge grin on my face.

I know it won't all be about Sunday morning breakfasts and there will be tough times but the two of us have become stronger now that we are three.

A letter to Tor - Last Thursday

Dear Tor

Last Thursday I could have cried due to my disappointment in you. I want to shout out "why?". Why would you have behaved tha
Yes, I do realise you are only seven years old and you are learning about life, about right from wrong. And, yes, there are so many blurred lines in life that it is easy to cross them without meaning to, without any malice meant.
We have been through so much together you and I. We have witnessed anger and sorrow. We have battled against emotions that you found hard to understand and we have won every battle you and I, every hill has been climbed when we have been a team.
Last Thursday I felt alone. I felt I had let you down. I had not managed to teach you the right way. You had broken my trust and the trust of a friend. How did this happen?
I wanted to be the team that worked hard to be great but I struggled to see a way to do this.
I shouted at you.
I told you what was wrong with the decision you made.
We agreed on consequences and now on Tuesday evening those consequences continue.
I am still very sad as I have lost a little of the great amount of trust I have in you and I know it will take a long time until that small amount of trust is rebuilt.

t way? You did something that I felt so angry about.

Last Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and today I have felt so proud of you. You have shown me your strength. You have made me smile and laugh.
We have talked like old friends. We have walked together hand in hand. You have been older than your years at times.
You have stood up and acknowledged where you fell. You have showed me that you understand what happened.
You have not moaned at the consequences you face.
You have been positive in times where I have been negative.
I have learnt from you how to stop, how to say "yes I did make a bad decision, but look at what I can do to change this".
I feel such love for the man you are becoming.

It is a shame that through life we must witness the weakness to be able to see the strength. That is how life is. You have shown me such strength that has outweighed the disappointment that I felt last Thursday.

I am very proud of you and I will always love you.

Together let us try not to have any more 'last Thursday's'. Let's have more 'this weeks'. If you promise me you will try, I promise you I will always be here to keep your amazing strength going.

All my love.

Mummy x

I said yes

There have been times as a mother where I have made some pretty difficult decisions. Times where I have agreed to situations that unnerved me. It is part of parenting and helps you grow with your child. This was one of these times.

I write this after the fact and when I can look back with pride at both my son and myself. I now feel ready to express and share the emotions that I went through during the decision making process.

My family and Tor's family are very diverse. We are all from different backgrounds and have been through different life experiences. This is one of the reasons I believe Tor to be a well rounded young boy and I will always be grateful of this. This certain situation involves Tor's amazing Nanny and Grandad on his fathers side. I have been close to them and I see them as being my family even now that I have been separated from his father for numerous years. They are caring and have always been understanding of everything I do with Tor. My only regret is that I do not make enough time for them in Tors life even though we talk about them regularly.

Since Tor was born we have often discussed the time in the future where they will take him on holiday to Namibia. It has come up regularly in conversation over the last seven years, so when we started to discuss the possibility of it happening over the next year or so it didn't come as a surprise. It felt normal to talk about it, to look into the future and dream on Tors behalf about the amazing adventure that would come.

In March of this year I received a phone call, one I will remember for a long time, for all of the right reasons. The call that asked......Can we take Tor to Namibia in May?

Whilst I processed this question I automatically started working out what needed to be done to enable Tor to take part in this life changing adventure. I was thinking about passports and vaccinations, time taken off school. It did not ever cross my mind that I could or should say no.

My brain a whirr, full of excitement for my son, full of forms to fill, jobs to do, awe and amazement. Need to button down the dates, how long does a passport take to come through, how do I speak to school? Never a no. Always what do I need to do to ensure he goes.
I put down the phone.
My legs feel like jelly when it hits me.
My Tor, my seven year old boy in Namibia. In Namibia. Not with me.
It does not matter how I feel. How could I ever deny him this gift, this lifetime event?

I couldn't. It was a yes.

I felt terrible for all the right reasons. Because I am his mother. Because he would be going so very far away.
But these feelings are mine to feel. I am his mother and I have the right to feel every single, horrible, heart wrenching feeling. I can feel as scared as I want to.
But, I cannot say no.

It is my job as a parent to weigh up the scary feelings against the excitement and wonder. This is what I signed up to when I decided to have a child. I make the best decision I can make with the information I have, with the feeling in my gut even when it churned.
My decision was yes within seconds of the call and nothing would change that.
So, it was decided. I would move heaven and earth for my boy. He would go.

I spent the next two months with an emotional roller coaster running inside me. I made sure he had his passport, his vaccinations. I followed the school's protocol for having time off in term time.

It was a feeling I have never felt before. I was so excited for my son but so scared for me. Scared for me because I was going through it, I would not be in control. I was not going to be there and that was what was scary.
At no time was I worried for his health or safety as he would be in the safest of hands. With people who knew what to expect. With people who loved him dearly. Such a weird emotion to be scared but not scared at the same time.

I said yes and that was the right thing to do.

I said yes.

Reward Charts - Torsmum style

The first time I introduced Tor to a reward chart was when he was learning to use his potty. Looking back I am not really sure why I adopted the idea in the first place but since then we have tried out lots of different reward concepts and styles. All have worked, all for different reasons.

I think the reason why they have worked for Tor is because I have tailored them to suit him and his needs at the time. I do not think a one fits all approach works, well at least it does not work for Tor.

I hope that getting all of the different ideas we have used out on my blog will help all to tailor or personalise to their children's needs or even decide that the reward system is not for them. In no particular order, here are our reward charts, Torsmum style.........

GOLD STAR GALORE
Tor was being 'potty trained'. He was full-time at nursery at the time and his nursery were very happy to work in a way that suited Tor and suited our home life. At that moment in time Tor was Star Wars mad, to be honest not much has changed that way!
As Tor was still quite young, around 3 years old if I recall correctly, I did not want anything too complicated and I wanted something that could work both at home and at his nursery.
Tor really, really, really loved General Grievous. So the simple idea came about.

• Get a A4 piece of paper
• Get a shed load of Gold Stars

The target was to get all the gold stars on the paper. For every time he attempted to use the potty or toilet, for every time he managed it, for every time he told me he needed the toilet a gold star went on the paper. When all of the gold stickers were applied to the paper then General Grievous was coming his way. My hint here is to have copious amounts of gold stickers so that the reward was not given until the potty training had succeeded.

Tor is still very proud of his achievement and nearly 4 years later the gold star page is still on our wall.

TV TOKENS

I wrote a post about TV Tokens nearly a year ago. It worked very well for about two weeks. The general gist was that he started started with a quota of 30 minutes of television a day. If he did good things then he was rewarded with more time and if his behaviour was not good then tokens could be taken away.

The reason this worked was because it had a goal. The goal was to teach him that there is always a result to both good and poor behaviour and also for him to realise that watching television was not the be all and end all of things to do.

The reason it was short lived, I must admit was down to me. It was hard work for me.

Now i am not one to shy away from hard work, especially when it comes to Tors behaviour, but I realised that it took so much patrolling that I was becoming quite slack with it and rather than it becoming a chore over a rewarding system we decided to stop. 

The reason Tor thinks it stopped was because he had done so well and turned his poor behaviour around. Which in a lot of parts is very true.

I CAN DO THIS

This is a system wish I had a record of.

It again, was one that I introduced whilst Tor was in nursery and it was to reward the things he could do on his own. To encourage his independence with daily tasks and for him to feel proud of his achievements even if they were small.

Tor had two small boxes. One had a pile of tokens in it and the second I fashioned like a small post box.

The tokens were hand made and laminated. Each Token had a picture on which signified something he could do.

• Get dressed
• Get un dressed
• Wash his face
• Wash his hands
• Tidy up
• Extra special smiley face

Any time that Tor did one of the above tasks on his own or with very little assistance from himself then he took the appropriate token and posted in the post box. I made sure that there was enough tokens for each day. 

The extra special smile face was for any extra task that he did that I felt should be recognised.

At the end of the day we counted the tokens in the post box and if there was more in the post box than in the original box then he was rewarded with something of his choice. Within reason, most of the things he chose were an extra story at bedtime, an extra 10 minutes of television.

This eventually faded out as he went to school and I expected him to do these things as a matter of course rather than something to be rewarded.

POCKET MONEY STICKERS

This lasted a couple of months but Tor struggled with its generalisation and got bored of it. My friend used this method, or their version of it (I copied!) very well with her two children.

It is very simple to set up. All you need is:

• A grid drawn out on a piece of paper - How many squares it has is completely up to you
• Lots of stickers of any type

When Tor had a good day at school he put a sticker in a square. When Tor did something I felt was worth rewarding, he put a sticker in a square. If he helped with a job, sticker in the square.

When the whole grid was full of stickers a pre-agreed treat was given. Tor chose to have some pocket money.

OUR CURRENT REWARD CHART - THE CHART THAT REWARDS

We are into the second week of this reward chart and it is working very well. I picked up a reusable wipe clean reward chart from Tesco's that I think only cost me around £3.00. It had removable stickers although I am not sure how long these will last as on Sunday it took me about fifteen minutes to remove them!

Each day Tor has the opportunity to have 10 stickers awarded to him. Some reward spaces are for specific things and three are for "special stickers" where I can reward him for helpful jobs or fantastic behaviour.

1) Get dressed - getting dressed in the morning, must be done as soon as he is asked to and must be done within five minutes. Tor struggles with this as there are always things to distract him
2) Wash teeth - must be done either on his own or with my help
3) Special Sticker Space

4) All remembered - Did Tor remember everything he should have taken to school, bring home from school and do at school? This is to help him to remember to hand in any forms, bring home his reading book etc.

5) Good School Day - It does what it says on the tin.

6) Clear Dinner plates - Tor needs to clear his plates and cutlery off the table at the end of dinner

7) Special Sticker Space

8) Special Sticker Space

9) Read School Book/Do Homework - It does what it says on the tin

10) Wash teeth - must be done either on his own or with my help

Because there are tasks in there that relate specifically to school I have put in a black cross on Saturday and Sunday for these. Also this week being half term he is going to stay with his Dad for a couple of days so I have also crossed these out.

The reasoning behind this is his end of week reward is dependant on how many stickers he has received. Last week he could have received a total of 66 stickers which would have resulted in a £3.00 reward. If he received 50 - 65 stickers it would be £2.00 and 25-49 stickers £1.00

I have done this so that even if he missed a couple of stickers he still has something to aim for by the end of the week.

Last week he received 41 stickers and was awarded £1.00

Today was the first day of the new week. His targets are as follows:

25 - 34 stickers £1.00

35 - 42 stickers £2.00

43 stickers £3.00

He did extremely well today and has been rewarded all 10 stickers. His special stickers were for going to the shop for milk on his own, drying up and some amazing spontaneous maths skills at the dinner table.

I think with this one I may tailor it each week dependant on what direction I feel he may need a little encouragement in. It is working really well at the moment and the main thing is that Tor is really enjoying it and is responding positively to it.

TORSMUM TIPS

When looking at a reward system, I would recommend the following:

1) Do something that has a purpose. Do not do one just for the sake of it, make it work for what you and your child would like to achieve.

2) Make it fun

3) Make it achievable

4) Do not make hard work for yourself

5) Change it, let it evolve

6) If it doesn't work, do not do it

7) Do not use it as the only source of praise. Keep praising, keep rewarding at other times.

I do hope this has been useful, please feel free to share your own ideas or ask any questions if you would like.

The Golden Ticket Saga - How would you deal with this?

On Saturday we ventured to the open day at Sacrewell Farm with my sister and her two beautiful children.
It is an amazing place and I would recommend it to the young and old, if you have children or not.

We had a really fun time in the play barn, a great time seeing the animals and all of the children had a go at playing pooh sticks.

Now, when we first came in to the farm, a lovely lady told us to look out for the hidden golden tickets that are all over the farm in the chances of winning a prize.

We were lucky, not only did we find one, we found three tickets. One for each of the children..........phew!

For the last half an hour of looking at the animals Tor would constantly ask, "when do we get to hand in the golden tickets?" I distinctly remember a golden ticket song starting up!

We arrive back at reception and Tor excitedly hands in his Golden Ticket. He gets offered a bowl with raffle tickets in and he chooses one. The number on the raffle ticket  matches one of the fantastic prizes on the table in view.

Both of Tor's cousins do the same and receive a cuddly pony and a puzzle. Perfect prizes and smiles all round.

Tor is handed his prize. Its a bottle of blueberry cordial.

Silence.

I am not really sure what to say to him.

He is not really sure what is happening.

As you can imagine, for a seven year old boy, this is not really the prize that he was expecting or would like.

I would like to say now before I venture further into the story that all of the prizes that Sacrewell Farm had on display (including the bottles or cordial) were brilliant prizes and I in no way would expect them to have done anything about the poor luck that Tor had been dealt.

So, we were then on the receiving end of a rather tearful, cross and confused little boy. I did feel very sympathetic and could understand the tears. What I struggled with was the anger and the fact that he expected something would be done about it if he cried and stomped and generally had a strop.
As far as I am concerned that he does need to understand that sometimes life isnt always fair. It is how you react to things that is more important.
I started to get very cross with him, at his back biting and his tears. I would not back down and I expected him to calm down.
I did tell him I understood why he was unhappy but until he calmed down that nothing could be our would be done about it.

So in the middle of the entrance to a very busy place, filled with families, I told him off, I shouted at him. He cried and tried to sit down. I told him to stand up.

I do have to praise my beautiful niece and nephew for being extremely calm, they looked affectionately at their cousin and obviously cared that he was upset.

My Sister was a saviour. Unbeknownst to myself and Tor, she had purchased a tiny little cow for him. She came over and backed me up and explained that he needed to calm down.

We left after a few deep breaths and drove back to my sisters house. It was not until Tor had completely calmed down and that I had said that it was OK, did my sister hand him the little cow (affectionately known as Moo-Moo now).

Tor was very pleased and very appreciative. I was very appreciative. Thanks big sis!

So, how would you have dealt with the situation? I look back and do not know if I acted the right way. But, at the same time I am not sure how else I would have dealt with it.

I am definitely open to ideas from everyone!

Last week according to Tor - w/c 19th January 2015

Monday
Tor: "Chocolate for breakfast, please"
Torsmum: "No"

He looks sheepish when I collect him from after school club. The manager hangs her head.
Tor: "Can I watch TV tonight?"
Torsmum: "No"

Tuesday
Tor: "Chocolate for breakfast, please"
Torsmum: "No"

Tor: "I can't find my gloves"
Torsmum: "They are on your hands"

Big thumbs up when I collect him from after school club

Torsmum: "We need to get milk from the shop"
Tor: "Can I go on my own?"
Torsmum: "Yes"

He was brimming with pride when I watched him cross back over the road from the shop holding the carrier bag with a pint of milk in. He had remembered to put the change in his pocket and the lovely man from the shop had given him a receipt. He counted out the change to check it was right.
Proud does not quite cover it. Big smiles from my boy.

Wednesday
Tor: "Chocolate for breakfast, please"
Torsmum: "No"

Broad grin when I collect him from after school club

Tor: "I was phonics superstar and I got a house point"

Torsmum: "Ooh Im so happy I could squish you"

Proud does not quite cover it. Big smiles from my boy

Tor: "Today is the best day of my life, getting a house point"

Thursday

Tor: "Weetabix please"

Torsmum:..............silence due to the shock

Tor: "Today is the best day of my life, having Finlay to play after school"

Torsmum: "So you are excited then?"

Tor: "Uh-huh"

Tor: "Is it bed time yet?"

Torsmum:.............silence due to the shock

Friday

Tor: "Have we got lemon curd?"

Torsmum: "No, we have jam"

Tor: "Have we got honey?"

Torsmum: "No, we have jam"

Tor: "I'll have jam on toast then, with butter, no not with butter, oh no, yes with butter, put it in a sandwich"

Torsmum: "So, thats a toasted jam sandwich with butter?"

Tor: "I hope you are going shopping for lemon curd today.

Torsmum: "hmphf"

Saturday
Big cuddles watching television in the morning, five minutes of bliss

Tor: "Chocolate for breakfast, please"
Torsmum: "No"

The Golden Ticket Saga and Aunty Abbie to the rescue (next blog post reveals all!)

Sunday
Tor: "Woooooaaaaahhhhh!"
He's just seen the most amazing bouncy castle at his cousins birthday party
Tor: "Woooooaaaaahhhhh!"
He's just seen the popcorn cart at his cousins birthday party

Homework time, Torsmums' least favourite part of the weekend..................

Homework time, Torsmum is very proud. No squabbling, no moaning, neat writing and a great result.

Tor: "Mummy, I've just had a nightmare"
Torsmum: "No you haven't, you haven't been asleep"

Finding the middle ground

I am writing this at the time that Tor will be coming out of school and walking across to his after school club. I am at home. I have a day off work today.

I'm finding the middle ground.

That piece of ground that balances the need for time to myself and the guilt of not picking Tor up from school.

People have often told me that I am a selfless person but today I am being selfish. I took Tor to school this morning which was a treat for both of us. It was lovely walking with him hand in hand talking about the plans for the weekend. I have had a busy day of getting all of those little jobs done and now I can just sit and listen to Nina Simone, drinking tea and taking time for myself.

I do feel slightly guilty but I have to remember that times like this do not happen very often. We have amazing times together and no one will ever know the love I feel for my child.

It is important to be able to refresh yourself. To sit back and have time to think. To not have the tornado that is my son, chatting away about wizards and sheep.

So I feel comfortable at finding my middle ground.

The countdown to Christmas day without Tor

Ive been thinking through this post since I agreed for Tor spend Christmas day with his Dad. I have been wanting to write it for a while but also wanted to make sure it did not come over as a beg for sympathy. Thats definitely what I do not want.
I want this post to maybe, get other separated families to think about how they spend christmas with their children and give people the courage to think about it in the future.

Myself and Tors dad have been seperated for over four years now. The 1st christmas we were seperated we shared Christmas Day. I had the job of having him wake up christmas morning and in the afternoon I dropped him with his Dad. Every christmas since then I have had him for the whole day.

Now Tors Dad has had his ups and downs but this last half of a year he's just going up, up up. I can't express how much joy he has brought to my little boy due to the time and energy he has put into him. Its been amazing to see it happen and I am so happy for them both.

So, a month or so ago his dad asked if he could have him for Christmas Day. I was not surprised but I have to admit it did take away my breath. I was honest and said I would need to think about it.

It was a very tough decision to make, but only down to selfish reasons. I work very hard every day but it means that the time I get with Tor is very precious. We have a couple of hours every evening and then every other weekend together. I think it would be different if I did not work full time as I would have more time with him.

Selfishly, I wanted Tor to myself. To want to wake up to the wonder, joy and magic that only christmas day morning could bring. I wanted to see his face when he realised that Father Christmas had been. I wanted to see him rip open the wrapping paper and eat chocolate for breakfast.

But watching these moments are for me, not for Tor.

Tor, wherever he would be on Christmas Day, would still wake up with the wonder, joy and magic. He would still smile widely when he realised Father Christmas had been. He would definitely be ripping open wrapping paper and eating chocolate for breakfast.

It all boiled down to the phrase that was going round in my mind.

.......What gives me more right to spend Christmas Day with him, over his Dad?.......

To me, there is only one answer. I have no more right over his father. We both brought him into this world. We both support and nurture him. We both love him with all of our hearts.

So I said yes.

Over the last few weeks, its started to sink in. I still am not sure how I will feel waking up to a quiet house. I do not know what emotions I will have when I am eating Christmas Dinner with my Mum.

I do know, I will have a very nice day, as my family will make sure of that. I will ensure that I wake up feeling positive and surround myself with people that I love.

I know for certain that Tor and his Dad will have the most amazing time and that is the most important thing for me. I feel happy to be giving his Dad the joy and wonder of Christmas morning that he has not had over the last few years.

So to everyone who may ever be in this situation, please have the courage to just think about saying yes. It will be difficult, it may be very sad for a little while.

Christmas is about sharing and spreading love and joy.

I hope, in my own way, I have done this for a good man and a beautiful boy.

Torsmum in print - My first article, published in Fresh View Magazine

It’s been a busy few months for me and Tor. Work has almost consumed me, but not quite as I was able to research and write my first ever magazine article about a place that is very special to me and Tor. The Green Back Yard.

Back in September I was asked if I would like to do a guest article in a fantastic electronic magazine that is sold worldwide. 

Fresh View  that currently publishes 5 issues per year is available as a pdf download that is readable on pc, Mac, ipads and most e-readers and tablets.

When you first read the magazine, you will be stunned at how beautiful it is. I’ve been sitting here for the last ten minutes trying to put in my own words what the magazine encompasses and I could not put it better than the Editor, Jacqui has herself.........

Fresh View has now evolved to bring stories, articles and features about a more considered, compassionate and conscious way of life for body mind and soul. We want to pose questions about lifestyle, the consequence of our choices on the planet and each other, and bring news about the many people and projects from around the world that are impacting in a meaningful and compassionate way.

We will also be bringing amazing plant based recipes and food features because we are passionate about vibrant healthy food to nourish body mind and spirit, and we will be interviewing some of the fresh innovative leading lights on the “animal free” food scene.

My article is about The Green Back Yard an amazing grassroots community project in Peterborough where Tor and I try to visit as much as possible.

So whether you enjoy my writing and would like to take a look at the article or if the magazine as a whole takes your interest, its definitely worth a look.

Happy reading

September according to Torsmum

I don't know about you but September, so far, has been pretty rubbish.

I can't even blame it on the weather as its been pretty great so far.

I've just finished working at home for the evening and realised that another has suddenly passed. It is going epically fast.

So, September according to Torsmum, although only halfway through, has been all about:

Getting the wardrobe wrong.
Tor has trousers on = Amazingly hot day.
Tor has shorts on = Blue knees, guilty mummy

Back to school
Woohoo! Start of the school year, so proud of Tor growing up. Reading is amazing. And there I stop..........but he does't.........he keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking. Yes he is supposed to stop at some point whilst at school, but no.

Work
Umm, hectic, challenging, fun, long hours.

Garden
Overgrown

Car
Chugging (although healthily)
CD player doesn't work
Radio switches off when you turn the lights on. (That was a long drive back from Windsor!)

Health
We are still alive

House
If you slalom through the ironing piles, washing up and Tor debris you might find a seat.

Accomplishments
We are still alive

So, yes, at the moment I hope September is a month to forget. Roll on October I say!

Why museum visits are essential in a childs life

When you see a childs eyes open wide with wonder. When you see them running from exhibit to glass case to sign. When you kneel down and talk to them about about what they are looking at. When they question. When they imagine.

As a mother it is the most amazing feeling.

This is why museum visits are essential in a childs life.

We have just returned from a visit to The Natural History Muesum in London. We have been meaning to go for a while and my gosh it was worth the wait.

I have been many times as a child and I had taken Tor before when he was three years old but now at six it was as if a whole new world had opened up to him. With his new reading skills and his amazing knowledge of dinosaurs he was in his absolute element.

It was fantastic to see so many families, so many children opening their minds an hearts to the possibilities of the world. It is a must for all children growing up.

If you have not yet taken your child to any museum then please do so. You will be astounded by the information they soak up and you will all leave as different people. Support your local museum, go to one that blows your mind.

I cannot wait to go again. An amazing day.

How do you show your child how proud you are of them?

When a reward chart is not big enough, when a hug cannot last long enough, how do you show your child how proud you are of them?

Today was my last day at work until after the Easter weekend. Myself and Tor have ten whole days off together. I am so excited!

When being off work for such a long time I always hope that I can leave my desk knowing I have covered as much as possible and not leave any of my colleagues in the lurch. We have all been so busy at work and I have certain jobs that have to be done on a Friday.

So, today at 4pm I knew I was not going to get everything done. Luckily I have fantastic employees and organised a lift to collect Tor just before six and bring him back to work so I could finish everything off.

Tor astounded me. He understood straight away that I needed to work, he did not moan, he did not question it.

He........
1) Played on the CBeebies website on the desk next to me
2) Drew on a spare whiteboard and rubbed everything out afterwards
3) Read
4) Made himself a drink
5) Played with my boss for an hour (told you they were lovely people!)

He was amazing. We were there for nearly two hours. We did not get home until 8 o'clock. There was not one bad thing I could say about his behaviour or attitude.

He astounded me.

I have told him I am proud. I gave him so many hugs. I told him again how proud I was.

At six years old I do not think he realises how amazing this is, that how he has helped so many people at my work because I was able to get on and finish appropriately before our holiday.

How do you show your child how proud you are? Sometimes hugs, kind word and reward charts just do not do it justice.

Why being a single mummy works for me

I am writing this now because things are organised, things are going well, so I can look back on the days that I wonder........... how will I get through this?

I read a lot of articles where single parents complain about the stigma of being a single parents. I hope I am not the only lucky one out there that has not come across this stigma. Maybe I just do not realise that it is being thought about me. I have a fantastic family that congratulates and encourages my life choices and are always there if I need support or just a hug.

So, why does it work for me?

I have a hard day at work, today has been especially stressful, especially tiring. I cycle to holiday club head on into the wind. I panic about what I am going to make for dinner. I worry about whether Tor has been a good boy all day. I realise my bottom is a tad damp because my bike seat was wet from the rain. I must remember not to sit down at holiday club and leave a bottom shaped print on the chair. Do I need to get anything from the shop? Did I promise Tor that we would do anything particular this evening?

Being a single parent means that only I have these things to think or worry about. But, to me, that is a good thing. Its a good thing because I am in control of what we have for dinner. I am in control of how I greet Tor after a very long day. I should have been in control of my bike but I wasnt as the head wind was really bad!

I love the fact that it is me that hears the silly things that Tor says. I love the fact that it is me that he pours his love out to.

"Right Tor, should we have something out of the freezer for dinner?"
"Yes, what is there?"
"Quorn burgers?"
"Sounds nice"
"What do you want with your burger?"
" A plum"

Priceless.

I put on the One Direction cd. (Don't groan too much!) We play Go Piggy Go whilst dinner is cooking. I tell him which song is my favourite. Tor tells me his favourite song is 'What makes you beautiful' .

"Because its about you Mummy"

Its those comments that make me know that it is all worth while. Would I hear that if I wasn't a single parent. Would he see me in a different light if there was another person permanently in our home?

I can guide my son in the way I think is right. I can help him grow into a young man. I feel empowered to me me. I feel I am doing a good job.

So to everyone out there, be it a single parent or not. If it works for you, it works. If you feel comfortable with your life, its right.

I am enjoying my life, we are a good team.

You are my sunshine

I remember sitting with Tor whilst he lay on his back next to the Glastonbury Tor on the morning of his blessing. I remember singing "You are my sunshine" to him quietly whilst he looked up to cloudless sky.

I remembered this today. On the rainiest, cloudiest and a very stressful day. He really is my sunshine. He really does make him happy when skies are grey.

He whines, he wants, he falls over his own feet.

He forgets to flush the toilet, he invades your private space, he makes the best dinosaur noises.

When all I want to do is crawl into bed, when I want to cry because life is so tough, he smiles, he jokes, he calls me 'banana head'.

So this short post is to for all of your beautiful children that light up your life. To all of your children that make things worth fighting for.

Our little sunshines.

Yes, its a mothers day post!

Its not often I post about single mummyness. For me it was a choice to become a single parent and one I will never regret. Parenting on the whole is extremely difficult and that goes for all types of families so I do not feel anyone has the right to say who has it worst off or have a martyr attitude.

Today, however I wanted to post on how amazing it is to be a single mummy on mothers day. I have to admit I have had some rather stressful or disappointing mothers days previously and maybe that has had a lot to do with silly expectations and/or my attitude leading up to the day.

This was my 6th mothers day as a mother and my 3rd as a single parent.

The run up to mothers day has been very quick, I don't know about you but this year and especially March has been absolute mayhem and is going very fast. On the odd opportunities of reading fellow bloggers posts I have come across people excited for mothers day and also people loathing it and seeing it as commercialism gone too far. I have mixed emotions.

I see it as a time to be able to express your love and thanks to your family. To share the goodwill to your friends. But most I see it as a special time to make the day spectacular for my son as well as giving myself something to look back on with happiness.

As a single mummy you do miss out on the things like being given a lie in or breakfast in bed. Maybe some years you do not get a card or a present. This completely depends on the age of your children, your family and your children's father.

I am a very lucky single mum.

My relationship with Tors dad is very good at the moment. We are able to chat freely about Tor, able to organise visits easily. This was a bonus this year as he very kindly took Tor to the shop to pick out a very lovely card and helped him to write in in. It was a very lovely surprise and Tor was very proud when he gave it to me. And yes, I sent his dad a thank you text to say I appreciated the thought. Simple things make such a big difference.

My amazing mummy sneaked in a gorgeous little token for Tor to give me and I have had at least four coffee's in it already (can you guess what it was?). Such a lovely thought and her way of ensuring I do not miss out on the things that a lot of two parent families experience.

Ok, now I realise I am rambling on. I will get to the point!

Having a fantastic mothers day for single mothers I think has a lot to do with your own attitude. I woke up feeling positive and thinking whatever happens it will be a lovely day. If you wake up scared of it then I do believe you bring on negativity yourself. Although this is easier said than done.

I thought of the things that both Tor and myself enjoy to do. This day isn't just about me its about our relationship. Lets face it, I wouldn't be a mother without him!

So mentally I listed the things I thought would be great.

1) Nice breakfast
2) Making Tors Pterosaur wings - he has been asking for ages and the first attempt was a definite fail!
3) Reading together
4) Baking cakes
5) Tickling and hugging

When we both woke up and he proudly showed me the card and yes, you guessed it my new cup (with little bear) we went down for breakfast. Tor who is a weetabix monster had his usual, I treated myself to croissants. No television was my rule, and as it was mothers day there was no whining! So we had it as a picnic on the living room floor.

Breakfast over by 6.30am and I told him I was going to make the Pterosour wings. There was a "woohoo" and a "really?" and then the cutest "oh your amazing mummy".

I set to work whilst my six year old sat on me, climbed on my back, wiggled when I tried to measure him, played with lego, sat on me, wiggled, tripped over the lego. Halfway through I remember I am on call for work and I rush to check for messages.......phew there was none. I take a break, I have a coffee. My neck hurts. The happiness and excitedness that Tor was showing made it so worthwhile.

Tor was over the moon with the finished wings. I have to admit I was quite impressed with myself!

After a lot of flying off furniture and flapping about he asked if he could watch his walking with dinosaurs video. Now I am cracking down on the amount of television watched. But, today, why not. I said yes. He hot footed it upstairs and I enjoyed a coffee and time to post my silent sunday picture.

When he came down he asked if with could go to the museum. Now this wasn't on my mental list. What a fantastic idea! Yes, yes, yes, I would love to go to the museum. So we did! Tor flapped his way donning a pirate hat to the bus. Flapped his way down the street to the museum and dashed straight to the dinosaur room. We had lots of fun. It was very quiet so we were able to jump from room to room and I let him show me everything. There was lots of "oohs", lots of "come and look at this". I was blessed to be with my boy so excited.

The rest of our day involved baking cakes, reading, homework, watching The Little Mermaid, eating cakes, reading, laughing, hugging.

Generally it was amazing. It was happy and it was perfect for me.

So, single parents out there, you do not need to miss out on the celebrations, you make it how you wish. If you want to be stressed you will be. If you invite hostility it will come. But, if you hold your head up high, if you laugh, if you smile, It will be the most amazing day of the year.

Mmmm, yummy cakes!

 Happy Mothers Day to everyone.

Little Whinging

If you are a big Harry Potter fan like myself and Tor then you will know that 'Little Whinging" is a town in Surrey. Actually, I think it is a real place. In the last month I have thought that I lived in Little Whinging just for the amount of whinging I have had to endure. Its been relentless.

So putting the fantastic Mr Potter aside, this has been my morning and evenings for the last few weeks.

So where do I start?

I start with the moment I wake up to Tor clambering onto my bed with the delightfully amazing bright chirpy voice of  "Morning Mummy, what's for breakfast?". A good start. I already know the answer its going to be Weetabix. We go downstairs and Tor is already asking for the television to be on. Now this is a normal occurrence in our household that TV can be watched in the morning. The first problem though is getting dressed for school. Now we tried the laying out his clothes for him to get dressed whilst the television is on and this has resulted in me almost taking him to school with his pajamas on. So, the rule is the television gets turned off or paused whilst he gets dressed. This rule was imposed nearly two months ago but still every morning.......

"Muuuuummmmmyyyyyy, don't turn the tv off, I waaaaannnnnntt to watch the tv"

I have never ever given in to whiny moaning, so why on earth does he do it.......every morning! Without fail! In fact I only have to count to three to myself after I say to him its time to get dressed for the same words to come out of his mouth in the most annoying nasal whiny moaning sounding voice.

"Muuuuummmmmyyyyyy, don't turn the tv off, I waaaaannnnnntt to watch the tv"

Oh my word!

Fast forward to picking Tor up from after school club, we have had a nice chat, its all smiles then......

"Muuuuummmmmmyyyyyy, I neeeeeeeeeeed a drink, can we go to the shop?"
"Why can't we go to the shop, I neeeeeeeeeeed a drink!"

"Muuuuuummmmmmmyyyyy, I don't want to read my book when I get home!"

"Muuuuummmmmmmyyyy, my legs are sooooo tired!"

Ouch, my head is bursting.

Tor is a very happy, very bouncy energetic boy. I can cope with the boisterous behaviour (just about), I can cope with the energy, I can even cope with the slip up every so often of being rude.

I cannot cope with whinging.

I only hope this is the phase of a six year old.

I am still not giving in. I am far too stubborn for that!

A Magic Garden

It is a magic garden. It was bought from a charity shop. It is much more than that.

This little gift and photo has meant so much to Tor and given me a little hope.

It must really be magic.

I will rewind back to the turn of the new year.
Unfortunately Tor was not able to see his Dad as much as we all would have like. There were many reasons for this but for all parties it is upsetting. Foremostly for Tor, obviously for his Dad and very much for myself.

No matter how angry or bitter any separated families get, it is my opinion so important that both parents and their families get time together. Yes, I would not be human not to be infuriated by behaviour that at that instance could be seen as shirking responsibility or being selfish, but that is at that instance, that was how we all felt at that time.

There has been great bounds forwards to enable Tor to spend quality time with his Daddy. He has had a few saturday afternoons of fun with him intermingled with missed visits and mistakes on what was already planned.

This week being half term and I was at work. Tor was at his fantastic holiday club which he absolutely loves and thrives in. I took the plunge and I offered the chance of an overnight visit with his Dad. Dad seized the chance with great enthusiasm which I was so happy about. It was organised for Tuesday night.

Now, if you ever have seen a little one's face when something they were looking forward too did not happen ,you will understand that I decided not to tell him about the planned sleep over with his Dad. I took him to holiday club as normal and the staff their were aware that he was going to be collected at lunch time but they were not to let Tor know.

About 11.30am and I am sat at work getting butterflies, but for some reason it was not through worry of him not being collected, it was because I was starting to doubt whether I had made the right choice in not telling Tor. What if he was so surprised he did not want to go? What if in his little mind he had decided that there was something specific he wished to do in the evening with me?

I was surprised at these feelings, as I had never had them before. Where had they come from? Is it because the last sleep over at his dads was before Christmas?

So I kept myself busy (which is not hard at work at the moment!) I called holiday club at just gone one and it was confirmed that he was collected and was a very happy boy.

YES!!!!!!!

I called Tor's dad after work. The conversation was relaxed, he had taken Tor for lunch and they were at a friends house for tea. Tor was watching Ben 10. Tor came on the phone.

Me - Hey Bubba, are you having a good time?

Tor - Hi Mummy, you didn't tell me Daddy was picking me up.

Me - Was it a nice surprise?

Tor - The best, Thanks Mummy, Daddy has got me a surprise when we go to his house.

Me - Ooh that sounds exciting!

Tor - ......................................(thats the silence when Ben 10 turned into Fourarms)

Tor - Bye Mummy, love you.

Relief, my boy was happy and sounded great. Tors Dad was happy and sounded relaxed. I was happy and got back to work.

Fast forward to the Thursday morning. Tor had come home wednesday night full of beans and very tired! So on our way to holiday club the following morning he started to tell me about the garden that Daddy had got him. It was magic, he had to build it then put salty water on it and in the morning the trees had blossom on them and the grass had little flowers. Tor was full of such enthusiasm about it.

Thursday afternoon and I received a text message. It was a message from Tors Dad. No words just a photo. He had taken a photo of the garden that they had made together. It made me smile.

As soon as I collected Tor from holiday club. I showed him the picture. He was near crying from happiness. He was so pleased that his garden has grown some more. Then he said..

"My Daddy remembered me Mummy, he remembered that that is our garden, he sent me that picture just for me."